Giuseppe Castiglione - Begonia and Magnolia

Sharing oneself with the wrong people and ending up powerless.

Before we start with this week's report, I want to add something about Jupiter back in gate 30 and the Sun conjunct the south node, both of which are transits that take place today, the day I am publishing this report.
I had written a few unfinished lines on it, but then left them out when I did not have the time to go over them and finish them. Now I think it might be relevant to go back to it and add a few lines, especially since I'm seeing exactly these things happen around me in the recent days.

The underlying energy of these transits is an energy of delusion and false enthusiasm, and not being able to hold back the sex drive. It is the 4th line bonding strategy in the shadow. I have a 6th line and 4th line bonding strategy, and before my Saturn return I did a lot of this in the search of my soul mate. I did a lot of dating and also one-night stands, but I rather saw it as physical speed dating that determined if it would stay one or more night stands. This was a time when online dating was still working great and when Chiron was in the Solar Plexus gates. It would be no surprise to me if it didn't work that great anymore with these current outer transits and especially the Chiron transits in gate 21.3 on the design side, which talks about the possibility for powerlessness. With this particular transit, the 4th line can lose their power through sharing themselves with the wrong people, also sexually – which then can make it difficult to get to progress (30.1v).

Back then, while my friends were busy with serial monogamy, I was more functioning like the stereotype that people complain about in men. I was just uninvolved, mostly pretty levelheaded, and not necessarily very committed to more than an exploration and the experience. I was searching for more, but also just curious about the search. Having male friends with benefits was great because they wouldn't bother me with all their crap and drama like half the young women back then did (I'm sorry, I know it's not everyone, but this is just how things were back then). They would not use me to dump their stress onto me just for the sake of “sharing” in order to recalibrate their neurochemistry and make them feel more at ease. Instead, we would have real constructive, empowering, and respectful levelheaded exchanges. I have a gate 21, and I am a quadruple left 2nd line manifestor, so that strategic problem-solving oriented pragmatism is just my modus operandi although I am a woman. One of my friends back then, a projector, once told me with some minor discontent and regret on his face that he let himself be pressured into a relationship. He wasn't indiscrete about the details, but from the looks on his face it didn't seem to be all that great, and then he said to me: “but you know me, I don't really care (about committed relationships).” I knew that he was really caring toward me and others, he just didn't care on that deeper level where you are really committed come hell or high water, or at least committed enough to not consider all the other options a possibility. I could relate. This whole episode in life was just: “we are not THAT for each other, so why bother being more than friends and being locked down and restrained by something that isn't IT”. And if anyone of us would have tried to make the typical 4th line move and take the back door, it might have been a good experiment for a while, but it still wouldn't have been it. In some way, we were single because we weren't pretending. I was not like this because I was a player, I didn't play people by hunting them down to have a committed relationship and then suddenly break it, it was just because life had brought nothing to commit to beyond transitory exploration to begin with. You could say I was the 8.3 of this recent eclipse, because nothing really called me on that deeper level. And yet I was out there searching for it by intentional trial and error (6th line as 3rd line). I did a lot of random dating that often times immediately turned physical, and I didn't really wait and restrain the sex drive. It was me who was the most curious how the experience would be, and I didn't want to betray myself and impose rules on myself. After all, I thought and still think you've got to know that what you are waiting for is worth the wait because you don't want to be stuck with someone where every time they initiate sex, internally you go “oh no” because sexually they are not a match. If you love them, and you go “oh no”, it's probably even worse of a feeling because of the inner conflicts that arise, and because it's more difficult to reject those one cares about.
In my view, there are exactly two options: Either you (both) are asexual and this is not an issue at all, and you simply enjoy the love with the person without the physicality, and everything is terrific. Or you are sexually interested or at least open, which makes things substantially more complicated, because now a deep connection in spirit is not necessarily enough. Now there is the added condition that the physical interaction must have the potential to be pleasurable at its foundation, and not just a duty or a thing being looked at with relative disinterest while there is greater curiosity and a wandering eye outside the relationship. Why is this important? For the simple reason being, that at some point one of both is wanting to have sex, and if the other person is not drawn to that at all, or even repelled by that, it creates a lot of unsatisfied needs and discontent. If it's not good in its foundation, it isn't going to be sustainable and it's going to create more frustration than pleasure. So it is just as important as a character match. Yes, you can work on trust, on sexual techniques, and on energetics to have greater sex, but the genetic compability stays the same. The quality of the genetic match is what determines the potential of what's possible and it stays the same until one dies.
Without having tried it, then how do you know if it's really worth the wait? You don't. When you explore someone's character you will be able to figure it out if you give it time. But with sex it's a lottery. At least I didn't know how to figure it out beside trying. I'm not the lottery type of person, I do 6th line risk evaluation, and basically what I did back then was to just try because I had no negative consequences. So I tried, driven mainly by endless social curiosity and by the hope to find the one person that I was looking for, searching them in everyone else. I saw every experience as an added experience and extra level in preparation for when I might meet the right person. My approach was: By not blocking any interesting opportunities to try through endless waiting while I did not even know if it was worth waiting for, I would just take the opportunities or create new ones, which would also increase the possibility to at some point find success and the right person. Simple math. It's the same approach that applies for business, although of course you can't throw money or energy at problems, such as I still applied discernment with who I met to my best possibility, so there is a fine line. And also by having many tries, I would learn what did not work for me. That was my 4th line/6th line pre-roof approach that involved the best of the 3rd line and the worst of the 4th line, and looking back I would do it no different for the most part, so I really might not be the best role model either. It worked the best for me, personally. It wasn't always the most healthy, but at least I got to experience something. I could have let a few experiences and opportunities slide that weren't important, but at least I did not miss those opportunities and experiences that really were important to me in my process. I made mistakes here and there. Sometimes it was disappointing and painful when I met just another person that was not my person and left me wondering if there is anyone for me out there. But overall the logic of the math worked. And because I didn't have these barriers and conditions, finally when I was already resignated, it brought me the most fantastic surprise of my life, which made everything worthwhile.

Anyhow, this approach only worked until I got a set of heavier and sticky life cycle imprinted, and then it didn't work anymore (and it did not have to because it had served its purpose). It worked as long as everyone I was dealing with was traveling lightly, free, similarly noncommittal when it wasn't really it, and relatively well centered. When I got into this new life cycle with a more sticky imprint, suddenly all these things stopped to be non-clingy and free, but they started to have consequences.
I went through the light experimentation phase when Chiron was wandering through all the Solar Plexus gates, and it brought some pain, but also much more emotional healing. Now, Chiron will continue to transit the two strongest ego gates. Ego. Being wounded through emotional pain is one thing, but being wounded through ego distortion and the action and shocks that come out of acting on ego imbalance... that's a whole other thing, it can be so cruel. Often times it is a way more existential pain since it deals with restrictions or shocks that affect the material plane and one's freedom of action and autonomy. I'm happy this dating phase is past me, and that I am not going through this right now. I think it's a lot heavier right now than it was then. And it might require much more caution. It might require caution.
Sun conjunct the south node can bring draining events through such kind of ego distortion.

So it can go like this:
You know you shouldn't have sex, but you do it nonetheless. You might know you shouldn't have sex with a particular person because it won't be good for you and throw you off balance so that you will end up raging against fate (Jupiter in 30), but you do so anyway. You know you should not have sex with someone who is pushy, demanding, and ego imbalanced (sun conjunct south node and Mercury), but you ignore the red flags and act on unrealistic fantasies. Then you got somebody energetically hooked into your system who is trying to control and overpower you.

Sex on the first date is like smoking pot with someone you just met. It's just another form of in-depth speed dating that can quickly turn sour. Due to the boundary dissolution and energetic exchange you might get a solid first impression of someone. That means if it doesn't work, you won't have to waste both your time with further dates. Especially quickly, you notice when there are distortions of gender roles and oppressive constructs that aren't worthwhile dealing with. That stuff just pours out when you have sex. But dependent on what's in their system or in your system, it's also going to be very destabilizing because now all that energy sticks within you. Then you lose your power and strength because you shared yourself with the wrong people. That's the truly problematic side of it.

This does not have to be about physical speed dating, this can also just be about having had a relationship break (the summer 2021 eclipse was about exclusion), now getting back together, and not being able to take it slow and actually investigate whether things have become better before one exchanges a lot of energy and conditioning.
I'm seeing people being very optimistic about very deep-rooted issues that they underestimate and that very likely will make them feel powerless. It's true, people do change, especially in aloneness. Right now, many might have come to a place to be able to admit their past mistakes. But half a year of distance is not a very long time either. There might be very positive changes, but within reason. Saturn is in gate 19, which is the need for resources and territory, and therein might lie the restraint: In the living situation. Often times it will not be possible to live alone, this is Saturn, but if possible, I'm a fan of separate flats, at least until you know whether it works and to what extent it works. If it goes wrong, it's not a pleasant thing to have someone living in the same flat who is trying to overpower and control you.

Under the current transits, I think it's good to take one's time with these questions: Does this person really meet my standards, or it is just curious enthusiasm, lust, loneliness, or something else that makes me yearn for this?